Loose Ends
by surestsmile
Summary: In the end, it's just another loose end he had to tie up.


Disclaimer: I do not own _Kingdom Hearts_.

Loose Ends

_Hey, um, Roxas?_

He hated Naminé, sometimes, Roxas thought sourly. Maybe 'hate' might have been too strong a word, but he did wish that Naminé hadn't built up such a strong relationship with her Somebody, even after they had merged with each other. It just served to constantly remind Sora that he had his own Nobody to ask after, and to be frank, Roxas just wasn't terribly interested in entertaining his Somebody's rather spontaneous requests to chat.

It's not that he didn't like Sora. Sora had a charismatic personality that, more often than not, charmed everybody he met. It was hard to resist the magnetic pull of his smile, and maybe Roxas could understand, just a little, why Riku did not apologise for his actions towards him. Why Naminé did nothing to defend him. Why, of all people to die for, Ax-_Axel_ chose him. Them. Whatever.

_C'mon, Roxas. I know you're there. _

It didn't mean that he liked Sora, though. Maybe if it had been the other way around Sora may have told him, in his head, that he liked Roxas and it was only right that Roxas absorbed him because Roxas was the hero, but it wasn't the other way around, and he wasn't as magnanimous as Sora, even if he _was_ Sora's Nobody.

It was funny, because he thought he'd gotten over the initial bitterness that came with the merging, the awareness that he wasn't gone, but still conscious and awake as _Roxas_ and not just a part of Sora that had gone missing and independent for a little more than a year. Worked it out, actually, catching Sora unawares in the World that Never Was, pulling him deep within his own mind like Ze-, like Ze-..., like someone had briefly taught him to do. Calling the Keyblades, _his_ Keyblades, and striking them against Sora, wordlessly screaming in pain and fury.

Oh, it hurt when Sora bested him. Not physically, because training with twelve people who overcame death tended to hone one's ability to fight to an extreme. But when he looked at the memories that surrounded Sora and saw not even a ghost of his own, Roxas had to admit to himself that he lost. The Keyblade's acknowledgement of Sora simply reinforced the fact that Sora had a destiny to fulfill and a life to protect and Roxas hadn't.

Still, Roxas thought it was bloody awful that even then, he didn't disappear. No, he just sank deeper into Sora's consciousness, aware and watching and waiting for the end that never did arrive. Maybe he had to meet Namine again, maybe he had to see Sora's home for himself. There were so many loose ends to tie up, so many 'maybe's to confirm and truth to tell, there was a tiredness that hung around his thoughts and he wanted 'it', whatever 'it' was, to be over.

_Why won't you talk to me? _He could see the pout, Sora's cheeks puffing up in indignation.

"That's because I'm ignoring you," he breathed quietly. He didn't know why or how he could do that, perform actions like hiding or talking underneath his breath or pull a face, but the fact remained that he could. He curled up further inside Sora's mind, hiding from Sora's inquisitive searches. He might not be able to tune out Sora's voice, but he could prevent Sora from finding him, unless the Keyblade Master tried very, very hard.

Most of the time, Sora either didn't try very hard, or was distracted by other things. Roxas didn't mind, because he really, really didn't want to talk to Sora, didn't want to be reminded of his stupid existence, didn't want to _remember_ things probably best left forgotten.

However, it seemed that today would be the day where Sora apparently had plenty of time to spare and nothing else to use it on. He had been asking after Roxas all morning, sitting in his bedroom and staring at his reflection in a small hand mirror.

Probably borrowed from Kairi, since it was entirely awkward talking to oneself in the bathroom.

_Roxaaaaaaaaaaas...can we talk? Please?_

Roxas briefly contemplated ignoring him again. But it had been several hours of endless requests, after all. So he gave in. "There's nothing to talk about."

_You spoke! _

Roxas snorted. "If that's what it takes to make you happy and make you go away I should have done it a long time ago."

_Meanie._ A pause. _So. Uh. _He could see Sora suddenly flail for a suitable topic to talk about, now that he had Roxas' attention. Typical._ Um...how are you?_

"Fine. As could be expected."

_Are you happy?_

Ouch. Talk about being direct. He really didn't know what to say to that. Tentatively, he searched for a safe answer.

"I didn't fade away, did I." Weak, he knew, but Sora could be amazingly easy to satisfy. His Other made an affirmative noise.

_That's great! I was worried._

The awkward silence fell around them again,

_Do you miss them? Hayner and Olette and Pence._

He felt his lips twitch in a semblance of a smile, his mood lifting briefly as he automatically recalled his friends from Twilight. Hayner's brash confidence and Pence's calm logic and Olette's smile; he suddenly missed them very much. Watching Sora's interactions with his friends felt more like watching a show, or a movie, detached and unreal and while it distracted him so much that he couldn't think about them, Sora's question was enough to make him recall that he had friends of his own.

Had. He didn't have them now, because they couldn't- he stopped himself there. There was an oddly hollow type of pain echoing in his chest, as if it had been there all along and he just didn't feel it until now.

His reply was quiet. "I do."

_What about Axel?_

Roxas snapped his head up and glared at nothing. He didn't want to talk about Axel. There was a shard of (real) memory that he did not want to touch, much less unconsciously probe into.

_I...he seemed...I dunno. It seemed like he liked you._

"Nobodies don't have feelings, Sora."

He could see Sora's forehead knot briefly in thought.

_Naminé has feelings_, his other pointed out at last, a trace of hopefulness in his tone. Roxas hesitated and tried to formulate a rebuttal.

"Naminé's not like us."

_She's Kairi's Nobody. Just like you're mine._

"It's still different. You don't understand, Sora, you couldn't-"

The memory rose, and Roxas closed his eyes tight, fighting against the awareness of how cold he was, how empty, when he knew he heard Axel's words and yet said _nothing_. Because those words _were_ meaningless to him; nobodies can't be missed and nobodies can't miss anyone and Roxas-of-the-13th-Organization understood that all too well. And yet, Axel's persistence in following him, in trying to get Roxas to remember who he was, he knew it wasn't because Axel wanted his heart back and believed Roxas held the key. Axel's betrayal towards the Organization wasn't because he wanted his heart. If anything, betraying the Order damned him to a life of a Nobody.

And yet, and yet...why?

Roxas scrubbed at his face. He didn't want to remember that. It felt like picking at a painful wound he never knew he had.

_Well, what do you think about going back? _Sora asked. His hands stopped moving, and he tensed at the eagerness in Sora's voice. _The King sent a letter and maybe we could do a pit-stop, and you'll see them again. Maybe you could come out and say 'hi.' Maybe they'll remem-_

He pinched the bridge of his nose in an attempt to ease the tension he could feel building. "Sora. They're not going to remember me. You can't remember a person you've never met before."

Sora continued to talk as though he hadn't heard him. _And maybe we could go to the World that Never was. Find Axel's room, his things, except Maleficent's there now and we might run into some problems but no big, you know?_

Roxas balled his hands. "They'll be walled up. Or destroyed. It doesn't matter."

_Well, it matters!_ Sora shot back. _Ax- Naminé said that you were friends with each other. Maybe if we go there you might remember something-_

"She would know, wouldn't she?" He snarled, suddenly angry. His hands scrabbled for the weapon he had lost, trying to form a grip around a handle that would never appear. "She was the one who took those memories away from me!"

_-Naminé didn't have a choice! DiZ, he-_

"I don't want to hear this." Roxas cut in, voice tight. "I don't have my memories. I've lost them for good. Going back to that place isn't going to help. Stop rubbing it in my face with second-hand accounts of what they were like."

_I...I'm sorry. _

_Look, Roxas, I really want to help. _

"You can start by going away."

_Ax-Axel said that he liked you. It sounded like he wanted you to know. He-_

"-said I made him feel like he had a heart. I know. I... listened to him. Now _go away_."

_It's not the worst reason to die for. And I don't think it's a wrong one. To die for a friend._

And there was silence. His hands were shaking, Roxas discovered, and he sat down abruptly, slumping against a wall.

"It's wrong," he said out loud. "It's wrong because Axel didn't die for a friend. Axel _died_ for a nobody who didn't care about him, who couldn't care, and who can't even remember who the hell he was."

He knew he was crying, could taste it himself, slow shameful tears trickling into his mouth, regret and confusion and grief and the sense of utter _unfairness _of it all welling up inside him. Axel's death resonated in his head.

"_What were you trying to do?"_

"_I wanted to see Roxas."_

"I can't remember Axel and I'm. Not. Sorry. I'm-"

He rested his forehead on an upraised palm. "I'm not sorry."

Roxas wondered how many resolutions he had to reach before he could finally go.


End file.
